How to Use the Konmari Method in Online Dating

If you haven’t heard of the konmari method then you must be living under a rock! It all started ten years ago with Marie Kondo’s “Life Changing Magic”. It’s the first self-help book I ever read, and to this day it’s still the one that has had the biggest impact.

The basic concept of the book is to keep the things that spark joy and discard the rest. Although it was originally intended for physical objects, it can just as well be applied to the more metaphysical aspects of life. As time goes on, I’m starting to realise that this simple idea truly is life changing. But actually, the area where I’ve seen the best results is with online dating.

You might be surprised, but that simple mindset shift can really have a positive impact on your love life. The idea is simple enough, and you can start applying it straight away. When you view someone’s profile or receive a message from them, just think: “Does this spark joy?” What I mean by that is, are you excited to reply? If you’re not, then don’t!

This might take a bit of getting used to, especially if you are used to being a people pleaser. I find that I naturally employ this technique at times when I am getting a lot of messages. But at times when you are not getting so many, especially in the asexual community where the options are quite limited, it can be tempting to reply to everyone just so you have someone to talk to.

The truth is that you are doing yourself a huge disservice by replying to people you’re not excited about. You already know that the conversation won’t last, so you’re really just wasting time. It’s not fair on either of you to continue a conversation like that, and will only lead to more disappointment in the long term.

It also means that you have less time to reply to people who you’re genuinely excited about talking to. Who knows what opportunities you’re missing out on! We only have so much energy to give out each day, and if you are spending that on things you aren’t passionate about, then you won’t have time for anything else.

Putting the idea into practice is easy enough, but you might forget to check whether the conversation is still sparking joy as time goes on, especially if you’ve reached a point where you feel obligated to reply. It can become a bit of a habit if you’re always replying to messages straight away. That’s why I suggest taking a few seconds beforehand to see how you’re feeling in the moment.

Maybe you’re excited about the person, but you’re just not excited to respond right this second. It might be that you’re busy with something else and can’t give them your full attention. In that case it’s best just to wait a while for that spark to be reignited. They’ll definitely notice a huge difference when you start feeling excited about the conversation again, and that will likely make them more excited to talk to you as well.

I have already noticed that I am far more excited about dating since employing this method. For the first time, I am actually really enjoying talking to people online. I think this is especially important for asexual people who have to rely on factors other than attraction. But really, I think it would be beneficial for everyone.

Ultimately, the aim of this method is to bring more joy into your life, and relationships are a huge part of that as well. If you give it a try then you are bound to notice a huge difference in the quality of your relationships!

Have you tried to use the konmari method in online dating or other areas of your life? Would love to hear your thoughts!


Introducing the Asexual Book Club

Welcome to the asexual book club! Here I will be submitting an ace-themed book to discuss on the first of every month. You are welcome to join in the discussion at any time. Or just stick around for the review if you’re not much of a reader! First I am…

Keep reading…

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